“You are doing really well” said Beloved Other as he stood and looked over the chaos of my attempts to clear the study “not just with the tidying, but managing all the emotional stuff”
Which made me stop and think. And yes, there is a lot of emotional stuff in this room move. I am absolutely committed to the reason for the move – we need to get the works downstairs, and it makes sense to put the office in this room, and so it makes sense for me to do what I am doing. No problem. I am equally committed to what may come next which may result in me going into another room (or may not – that conversation has yet to happen with the wider community, and I am not going to prejudge the outcome; just to say that I am happy with whatever the outcome is) I know that if I move to another room, it will be equally appropriate as my study.
So why the surge of relief when somebody recognised that I am finding all of this tough – what is it that is tough?
It’s taken me some thought, but I’m getting there – this room was a gift, a very deliberate gift to me. My previous study was very dark, and often inaccessible. It had made sense for me to be there, but it had its problems. And previous Insomniac Co-worker had, without asking me, come to the conclusion that I was getting unhappy with that room, and indeed, was suffering by being in that room, and as a parting gift when he knew he was leaving, had put in motion the train of circumstances that led to my move. It was a knowing and deliberate move on his part.
And I have treasured this study as a result; yes, it is light and airy, and has all sorts of advantages. But centrally, it mattered to me because somebody noticed what I needed, and – without needing to be asked, and indeed, without asking me – ensured that I received it.
And now, for good reasons, to which I am entirely committed, but which are more than just to do with my well-being – I have to move.
So, my discomfort may be the self-centred reaction of somebody who does not want to accept some minor inconvenience for the sake of the much greater amount of common good. Or it may, as I prefer to think, be the right and proper recognition of the huge gift I was given, the proper gratitude for it, and the appropriate sadness that while happy with the result that it will achieve, I am losing something that was very deliberately given to me.
Which leaves me reflecting on the difference between losing (passive) and choosing to let go of (active), and how to move in my heart as well as my head from one to the other….