Since I have nothing better to do at the moment – well, what is there to do at 3.30am? – I have been looking round the site that this blog is on.
The kind of thing you are supposed to do before you start a project, if you go at it in the “efficient” way; understand how to do things, know where things are, make sense of the directions…
Well, I got there eventually, and I have just discovered the “trophy case”!
Turns out, I have trophies – for significant milestones in the the number of posts I have made, for achieving a certain number of likes, of followers….I don’t think there was anything else, but I can’t remember now.
But I am also slightly uneasy; now that I know it’s there, am I going to keep going back to it? Checking on my figures, making comparisons, feeling encouraged or discouraged depending on how I judge what I see there?
That would rather undermine the intention in doing this writing, which, as I remember it when I started, was to try and make sense of some of the random happenings and some of the recurrent patterns that I notice, by paying attention to them.
I recognise the draw of the “trophy cabinet”. It is that desire to make sense of things “in comparison” – in comparison with other people, in comparison with where I was/what I was last week, or month or year.
There is a place for that. But this is not it. That is too seductive, too provocative towards either elitism or withdrawal. And this, if it is anything, is an attempt to make sense of my own bewilderment in its own terms, not to avoid it by inflating or diminishing my encounter with my life.
Which high flow rhetoric probably indicates I should be trying the sleep thing again,
Another area of bewilderment to explore…..